i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
