I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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