Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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