I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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