you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
