I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
