we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
