I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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