My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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