I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
