fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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