just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
How does one acquire holy water?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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