I haven't been this sober since birth.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
