Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize