You really coming over, don't trick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm at about main and main street
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
