Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
