Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
