We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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