U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
