Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
