before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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