I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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