I cut my penus on the lid.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
