Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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