I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Text me some of your sweat
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize