i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
