You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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