JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
