I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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