Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
