if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
