I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
