he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize