How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
