Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
