my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
