You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Edward fifth and chaser hands
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
