FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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