I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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