I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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