I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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