I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
