I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
