I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize