1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
