i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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