I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
