Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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