He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
