so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
