DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
