You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
