Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
