youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
